Britain needs its own Donald Trump. Step forward Jeremy Clarkson

A polling expert says the former Top Gear host really could topple our political elite. And I for one agree

Many people – especially on the Left – will scoff. But as James Kanagasooriam is the polling expert who coined the term “Red Wall”, it’s fair to say he has a reasonable handle on what ordinary voters think. His latest pronouncement, therefore, should be taken seriously.
Because he says we could soon have our own Donald Trump – in the form of none other than Jeremy Clarkson.
If the former Top Gear host were to announce that he’s entering politics, argued Mr Kanagasooriam at the weekend, it could be “Britain’s Trump moment”. He was not, he hastened to add, suggesting that Clarkson has the same character or views as Trump; a regime led by the former would obviously be “far more English and less authoritarian”. None the less, Clarkson “has reach, a massive TV show, [and is] part of the nation’s mental furniture. He has become the countryside’s most effective representative in decades. He’s far more heterodox than his opponents suggest. [And he] winds up all the right people.”
I for one agree. And there are plenty of other reasons why Clarkson is perfectly placed to topple the political establishment.
Unlike conventional politicians, he speaks the same language as actual human beings, rather than reciting pre-programmed drivel about “working people” and “community leaders”. He takes a rational, sensible, mainstream approach to the “culture wars” (i.e., by merrily ridiculing everything the Left says). He appeals to Brexiteers despite being a fervent Remainer (a gift that is surely unique). And, thanks to his constant battles with infuriating bureaucrats on Clarkson’s Farm, he understands how red tape is throttling the UK economy.
On top of that, there’s no risk of him accepting freebie designer suits, if only because he has absolutely zero dress sense. Nor, unlike seemingly every current MP, could he be tempted by free tickets to Taylor Swift, because he doesn’t like any music made more recently than Led Zeppelin IV.
Also, he’s clearly capable of handling a hectic workload. At the last count, he has at least seven jobs (farmer, brewer, shopkeeper, pub landlord, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? presenter, author, columnist). So there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to squeeze in MP and PM, too.
As far as I can see, there are only two obstacles in the path of Clarkson’s otherwise inevitable march to power. First, he recently had a heart scare – which means he might not be in ideal shape for a career that would entail high stress, constant pressure, and listening to speeches by David Lammy.
Second, there’s our electoral system, which ensures that, to stand any chance of becoming PM, you have to lead either Labour or the Tories. On the whole, Labour members might be a touch reluctant to elect a man who once wished a happy Christmas to everyone in Britain except Diane Abbott – on the grounds that she “probably isn’t celebrating because in her endlessly muddled head it’s December 47th”. Tory members, meanwhile, might feel just a tiny bit guilty about dumping Kemi Badenoch after less than a fortnight in charge.
All the same, this doesn’t mean Sir Keir Starmer can breathe easy. Clarkson still poses a lethal threat to the Government. Because, this coming weekend, he’ll be joining a protest by farmers against Labour’s new “tractor tax” (inheritance tax on farms). His presence will guarantee wall-to-wall media coverage. And if the protest escalates, and leads to every farmer in Britain going on a full-blown strike, the Government is toast. The sight of empty supermarket shelves will blow apart Labour’s unearned reputation as competent, serious “grown-ups”. And it’ll land them in a crisis that, for once, they can’t blame on the Tories.
In which case, Clarkson needn’t bother standing for election. He can bring down Sir Keir from the comfort of his tractor cab.
This is not an easy time for the Church of England. Mercifully, though, it seems some clergy have found a way to take their minds off the calls for Justin Welby to quit.
Because, as part of their drive to achieve “racial justice”, they’ve declared that God “is not a white man” – and are reportedly “working to make images of Jesus more diverse”.
How precisely they intend to do this, I’m not quite sure. Perhaps, in each painting, statue and stained glass window, Jesus will be depicted as belonging to a different minority group. So in one image, for example, He’ll be depicted as Chinese, in another He’ll be an Albanian asylum seeker, and in another a neurodiverse trans lesbian of colour.
Strictly speaking, however, that still wouldn’t be enough. Because, to bring about true diversity, these wonderfully progressive clergy need to be inclusive of religious minorities, too.
In which case, perhaps they’ll depict Jesus as a Muslim.
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday